Dark in here. Dark out there. Darker here. Darker there. Than where? Somewhere. Some night. Moonlight. Square eyes. Split mine. Flapping feet slapping salted concrete. Cobwebbed. Cracked glass. Black ice. Holding hands. Holding back. Holding down. Holding still. To the cold. To the wet. To the black. To the red. To the white. Twilight. Headlights. Headlamp. Glowing green. Brushing wool. Blanket fort. Fort Wayne. Fort Harrison. President. Lincoln. Washington monument. Indiana limestone. Reflecting pond. Reflecting  you. Reflecting me. 8th grade tears and too much rogue. Push. Jump. Swim. Dive. In. Under. Through. The earth. The chair. The stool. The creaking wood. The croaking oak. The petering rot. Splintering mold. Leaves of green and gray and red and sick and sap and sea and salt and tea. Iced tea. Long island. Rum and coke and cream. Liquor. Lick her. Vodka. Titos. Lower Top shelf. Plastic. Right there. Handle. Twisted over. Tilted up and up and up and up and to, the vault, the corner, the black, the widow, the spider, the web, the popcorn, pockmarked, painted, scrubbed, lysoled, drywall, dry rub, BBQ, Hoffas, pork and cream and cheese, blue cheese, green. Buffalo Wild Wings. BW3s. Blotches of blue. Puddled splotches of rubber and swollen concrete. Foyer. Foyer, i think. Broken glass upon the grain, the fake, the crooked laminate, the swiffer quicker picker upper shaking flesh of fingers and knuckles and bitten nails and chewed thumbs and tapped teeth and fumbling, stumbling, up the stairs and stair and stair and stare, and turn, halfway, landing, crackled banister, Jimmy Stewart, i wish i had a million dollars, hot dog! Lie and lay and rest and sleep, in there, the room, the bed, the soiled sheets. He loves you. i love you. We love you. i wouldn't want to out stay. Over stay. My welcome. My want. My need. Slipping down. Down. Down. Crunching carpet cracked with cream of caked up spit and frosted formula. Frosted flakes. i’m a big kid now. Alone now. Five now. Just a couple of hours now. Just a few more days now. To the keys. To the door. The latch. The bolt. The knob. The twist. Gilded. Silver. Gold. Over. And over. And over. Oatmeal features of smudges and smears and stumbling feet fumbling through the graying grass and mud and rusted keyhole, broken door, hanging hinge, turning, twisting, climbing. In. Revving motor. Roaring Madonna. Turning down. Away. Fluorescent streetlamps and dotted headlights. Going. Going. Gone. Baseball fields and crooked umpires and tilted trees and wilted corn and calling me calling you calling dad calling mom. Don’t say a word. Just a few dollars more. i'll make it back to court. Bail. Of course. DUIs ain't nothin but the course. Sober now. California sober. Mostly sober. Weekday sober. Weekend sober. Weeknight sober. Morning sober. Sleeping sober. Sort of sober. One drink sober. One glass sober. One more sober. Couldn’t hurt sober. Wouldn’t hurt sober. Is she sober? Are you drunk? That’s what i'll tell him, what he told me. Don’t do what you want but do what you can and make what you can because all that you can is all that you can and you can't do much so don't do much, just do what you did and pay for your breath and live for your life and then you will be all you should be. But that's not you. You’re not him, not to him, not to us, not to me. But he did it to him and he did it to him and he did it to me so i'll do it to him. He'll be me and i'll be him. It's me. Not you. Fat and chubby and ugly too. i love you. Every chunky lard of me. Beautiful to me. No one but you. But you won't with me. It's not with you. Someone else too. What else but you? When you went away, when you were gone, back there, back then, New York, Denver, San Francisco. Did you? Would you? No one but you. Tinder profile too. Not me. Just friends. A joke. You spoke. For fun. And swiped. And bored. Left and right and left and left and left. No one left. i won, i guess. Never another. You couldn't. i wouldn't. Not a chance. Never wanted. If you did. i didn't. But if you did, if she did, with you and her and there, in there, the room, the bed, up high, up to, your head, and climbed, up there, under, the sheets, the skin, the skim, the milk, the fridge, the crack, the rot, the mold, the lard, the maggots, the flies. And wash and scrub and bleach. A quarter a day. A quarter a wash.  Another to dry. With your card? Never the card. But maybe ID? 2 forms of ID. Never before. 9, or more. Anyone. Any age. Then you wait, and wait, and wait, till after 9, after 10, and order a drink, and they won't think, to look or check or see, forget the fake, forget the friend, go right up and order a drink, in the city that sleeps, and do it again, again, again. 19 is the new 21, bile the new toothpaste, blackout, blue bottle, tahoe blue, split and cracked beside the crick, the creek. And on the corner of the street, in 2016, an atm machine. An automatic teller machine machine. You know what i mean. ATM or AT machine, there is no atm machine. But it wasn't chase, or fifth third, or wells fargo. Truck is coming down the street. 76 trombones. Now you can struggle all you want but i won't let go. You're hurting me. This won’t hurt. Crying like a girl. Real men don't cry. That will bruise. Purple and green and blue. Before the knee. Long pants, won't see. Got it in little league, see, right there, the shape of a ball, the size and the marks, you can practically see the stitch, the stitches, bull riding. Have you ever been in an ambulance before? 10 or 12 times before. Maybe next time. Always next time. Jimmy will. Jimmy can. Dad too? Not a coach. Loves me more. i love you. Not like him. And what's he to you? Married mom. i did too. Still there too. i won’t go if he plays though. You have to, if he does, if he can, if he cares, if he wants you to. You don’t want to. It's not about want. Except about him, i want him, i want to. But you don't, do you? Then come for me. Come for me. Come for me. Over here. Next to me. Close to me, so you can see, on the screen. Below the screen. White, vapid, dinpled walls. Spotted linoleum and drenching bleach. Squeaking chairs of kermit green. Standing there. Laying there. Belly button. Pubic hair. Lube. Petroleum. Jelly. Rubber covered cord wrapped in gray, gripped in gloves, and scrubs, bile, pink, curls of black, a chain of strings, hasidic jewish melody. It's a boy, you see, up there, on the screen, The Pulse, NC-17, too young to see. Turn off the tv. i'm pregnant. Are you mad at me? Why would i be mad at you? Look at what you said. Forget what i said. You don't want him, you don't want me, you don't want us. i'll always want you. And him? And him. He looks just like you. Like what? Like frays of blonde. Phrase of you. Slits of blue. Columns too. Gray already? Bits and pieces. Here, and here, and here. And here? The beard, the chin, the nose, the eyes, the crinkled, wrinkled, folded flesh, of rotting bronze, twisting green, scabbing scars and sweating skin. Pricked eyebrows. Plucked eyelashes. Wide brimmed cartilage and goose pimpled lips. Peeling, pulling, sleeves of dirt, of dust, of flesh. Every 7. 7 year itch. Is that what this is? Like Theseus ship. What you were and what you are. The blood, the organelles. The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. Eighteenth on the AP test. AP Chemistry. Dropped out of class. Out of school. Do i look dropped out to you? 3 weeks won’t do. Every other day too. Skipping classes. Skipping school. Electives too. Graduate too. The graduate. I got one word for you. Plastics. RTP. Really tiny paychecks. 20 years work and this is what i get? You'll be back. Can you believe that? i’ll be back. Robots make me nervous. Jingle all the way. Christmas is the best time of the year. What are you doing here? At school. In class.  It's Christmas. It's May. Just for you and just for me. i can't just leave. It's just one day. What will dad say? What he won’t know can’t hurt him. But he'll find out. From who? They’ll call. Me. And lie? He may be your dad but i’m your mom. She's my sister. She's my dauhgter. She's my sister. She's my daughter. Not my daughter. She looks just like you. 20 years younger. Sometimes you just get lucky. Your bleeding. i'm not crying. It’s just been raining on my face. People who carry signs go on to carry many other things. Put that down. What’s wrong with cereal? i'll call Jimmy. Don't ask for money. We're on vacation. Just some eggs. We won't leave until he pays. i can pay. You won't pay. i'm 16 now. Can't a mother love her son? You don't have to do this. i'll just go up and change. How's NYC? She's pregnant. She was. Bleeding. Swollen ankles.. Cankles. Callus. Tis only a flesh wound. Walk it off. MOMA. Smithsonian. Too far away. The subway. Eat fresh. Best bread. Off conner and 10th. Corner and square. Townhall and courthouse. Lynched him here. Up there. The knotted tree. The mangled lawn. The slaughtered grass. KKK. Justice, i guess. The dead and the dead. He escaped. John Dilinger. From that cell there. Well not there but there. Between. The house and the yard, the court and the jail. Ran off and away and into the river right over there. That river there? Home of the hoosier, the tire, the moss infested factory. Dump the rest, the acid, the toxic, the rubber, the waste, the water, the white, the rough, the tough, the tossing, the turning, the twisting, the waves. Most polluted river in the country. We should swim. In that? In there? Better now. Cleaner now. Volunteers. Springs and algae and sopping fabric, soaking mattress, wet and dripping and dropping and drooping. Mud and muck and crooked quagmires. Squeaking, croaking, groaning, moaning. i think i'm ready. Assistance in aisle 7. Lucky night? 2 please. May i see some form of ID? Don't leave the wrapper. Get it later. i can't wait later. What do you care? They'll know. They know. Not here. Then where? Where you're not here and i'm not here and they're not here. They’ll hear. You don't want me. i want you. Not with me. Just not here. Why not here? You're shaking. Does it hurt? Shaken, not stirred. i don't get it. Hit rewind. Be kind. VHS. Blockbuster. Who's that? Ethan Hunt. And we like him? We like him. Why? Good guy. And him? Phillip Seymore Hoffman. PSH. PTA. Paul Thomas Anderson. Don’t drink my milk shake. Number three please. No lettuce. No tomato. Extra pickle. Happy meal. Action figure. And who might that be? The bad guy. Why? That's what bad guys do. What? Bad things. Like dad? Is that what your mother told you? i don't know. You can tell me. i know. i love you. i know. Did he hurt you? i don't know. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. Okay. Or your mother. Okay. Or anyone at all if that’s how you feel right now. Okay. We can just be, you and me. Your my son, and that means a lot to me. But not really. Yes really. But not dad. By birth i guess not. But something else. Something more. Like what. Like love. You love me? i'll always love you. Why? You're bleeding. You’re picking. Your acne. Your scar. Scratched and scraped and dragged beneath the rusting nails of grime and black and green and blue. You pick too. Bleeding too. Copper pennies. Iron too. Ironing. Washing machine. His shirt or socks? Peed through. The sleep sack too? And the linens too. i just washed those. And now again too. Did you change his diaper? Did you? i did the last one. i did the last two. Almost out now. We'll get more soon. It's too long, soon. We can't just now. We have to now. The first and the fifteenth. You're still young still. Like i was at your age too. Porkchops and applesauce. Chicken, buddy, i promise. Don’t taste like chicken. Special kind of chicken. It's not pork, is it? Why would it be pork? Always pork. You don't like pork. Tastes like pork. Tastes like chicken. Mm mm mm. Finger lickin good. Delicious. Why can't we have chicken? Chicken isn't free. Porkchops can be? More than chicken. But i don't want porkchops. i don't want to hear it. Other kids have chicken. You're not other kids. But we had porkchops yesterday. That was different. Didn’t taste different. Free to her. The job. The work. Waiter. Waitress. Bus boy. Server. Scraping plates. Leftovers. Full of food. Full of waste. More for us. Lucky, really. Tomorrow too. How much longer? Chicken now. Chicken soon. Chicken and rice. Rice and chicken. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. 20 cents a meal. 99 cents a pound. It's not good for you. What can i do? Send you money. You can't just now mom. i can and i will. What about you? Don't worry about me. i can't not worry about you. It's my job to worry about you. Then what do you want me to do? i want you to be happy. i want you to be happy. i'll be happy when you're happy. i'll be happy when you're happy. i can't be happy without you. What if you have to? Don't say that. Say what? You know what. You don't think so too? i think so too. Then why can't i say what i think when i think what i think? If you think what you think when you think what you think then you won’t just think but do and do and do until all of life is did and done and then all that’s left is just the end. i don’t wanna think anymore. i think you think cus you think you have to, you think that’s all there is to it and nothin else to it, but there’s lots else to it and so you can’t just think like that. Well i don’t know how else to think. Think about Emily. Think about Jimmy. Think about So. Think about Chuck. Think about Shelly. Maybe that’s all i think about. And what will they think? i think they’ll think it’s all for the better, least in the end. We all love you so very much. Sometimes love is worse. There’s nothing more than love. Love just chews and gnaws and tears and bites. And this won’t hurt? It will, at first, for a while, maybe, but not forever, not for long. It will be better, it will get better. Always better. It was tough for me at your age too. But not any more? Not like that. But you had me. I have you. And what do i have? You’ll have him. i don’t want him. Don’t say that. Just pretend? i just don’t wanna be like him. He’ll be like you. All the worse. You are so very wonderful and i am so very proud of everything you’ve ever been. Don’t do that. Call you? Leave notes like that. Why? He did. Who? Your dad. Your grandpa? Called you, me, him, her, the list, the numbers, the states, the codes, again, again, again, again. Calling and calling and calling and ringing. Daughter. Daughter. Daughter. Granddaughter. Grandson. Niece. Nephew. Neighbor. Stranger. Telephone operator. Hello? Real police. Get on the ground. i can’t breathe. i can’t breathe. Covid-19. 2023. Meresa. i’m sorry, but, it’s just not possible. To give, to share, his body, for science. That’s all he ever wanted. All he ever needed. To be somebody. To be something. To be worth wanting. Worth needing. Worth loving. You're worth everything to me. You have to say that. Why? That’s what mothers do. And fathers too. Like mine? Maybe not yours, but you. Called too. Did he? No. Not yet. It’s been 12 years. Not long enough yet. Get over it. Me or him? You were 18. i left him. He left you. i thought i could go back. You can never go back. San Francisco. 2014. The fog. The glass. The bridge. i don’t see it. You will soon. When do you leave? With you. i don’t want to. You have to. Why? Evicted. Stolen. All of it. Everything. A short life’s savings. Craigslist. Scam artist. 1 room. Studio. Tenderloin. Good neighbors. Cheap rent. Too cheap. Airport. Denver. Lunch. Cheeseburgers. Greasy fingers. Cracking fries. Sky walk. Cross walk. Over people. Over bags. Over wheels. Suitcases. Remember when we didn’t have wheels. Why? Guess no one ever thought about it then. Never? Till now. But before? Carried. 50lbs? Lighter then. Less then. More now? Much more. Will you? Call her? For me. No. Why? You have to. Why? Your battle, your fight, your home. Won’t answer. Ever? Ever. Talk to her? By text. Never phone? Never phone. But rent from her? Rent to her. Written check? And sent again. Cancel it. i can’t. A scam. What for? People like you. People like me? Just kids. i have to live. Not there. Then where? We’ll look around. You can’t stay. i’ll get a room. i’ll be fine. You won’t.. No son of mine. No dad of mine. Don’t say that. You’re not. You’re hurt. You never really were. i tried my best. And good riddance. You're coming home. Back where? Indiana. 3000 miles. East. North. North by North West. Southwest. Look at these seats! Can you believe it? 50 bucks. What a deal! What a steal! And tomorrow? Don’t worry about tomorrow. But school. Monday. It’s Tuesday. Some time will tell. And lie. And sleep. Ice cream. Dairy free. 2am. Coming back. Coming home. From the flight. From the plane. Potholed highway. 465. All the way. Not a blink of traffic. Midnight. 45 minutes. Beat by 30, maybe even 40. Kroger. 24 hours. Do you want to go in? No. That’s okay. i will. Stay here. In the car. In the leather. Clear skies. Starlight. Moonlight. 17 cars. 12 sedans. 4 trucks. 1 van. Broken gravel. Pricking leather. Plucking strands. Pulling bits. Stepping back. Stepping out. Stepping off. Gone away. Into light. Into night. Floundering fluorescence. Flickering K. Black. Clouds. Cornfields. Cemetary. Across the lot. The pavement. The parking lot. Between the bank. Panda Express. Orange chicken. Never fish. Korea changes a man. Thank you for your service. Mom, stop. What’s so wrong with that? Not here. The mall? The skylights. The food court. Chicken on a stick. Chinese buffet. Saturday. Where’s mom? Working. Why? For money. Why? For this. For food? For everything. More food. How much? As much as you want. As much as you want, not much as you can. 6.99. 5.99. If you start before 11. Play place. Mickey D’s. Ink stained fingerprints. Sports section. Here’s the comics. Marmaduke and Archie too. Eggs and pancakes. Slithering syrup slurping down  twisted tongues and puckered cheeks. Dip, don’t pour. Roll it up. Tuck it in. Eggs and sausage and hashbrowns too. All in. All through. Breakfast burrito. Breakfast sandwich. Starbucks before school? We’re late. Not yet. We will be. 15 minutes. 30 more. Not that long. If starbucks still. Drive through though. Still slow still. Not too slow. Too long now. No one there. What about them? They’ll be quick. i don’t know. They’re almost done. Done with school. Be there soon. An hour ago. You alright? i’m just fine. Where’s your mom? On her way. Shouldn’t be alone. i’ll be okay. Is there someone i should call? No one but mom. Like this before? Most the time usually. How bout the bus? i don’t like the bus. What’s wrong with the bus? They don’t like me. Who?  All them. They like you. They like them. What’s wrong with you? Not like them. How’s that? Never happy. Them? Me. Sure you are. i don’t know. All are. Me too? Look happy to me. Guess so. Or else? Nothin. Nothing. Then don’t look so blue. Green too. Green eggs and ham. Spaghetti blue. What the hell is that? What did he say? In the middle of class. He’s just a kid. 6 years old. But the context though. Don’t talk like that. You talk like that. i can talk like that. i can too. 12 more years. That’s not fair. Lucky still. What’s so lucky about being this, being little, being small? You’ll love these days, remember these days, cherish these days. Do you? Every day. Do you? Not me. Why not? Not rich. Your rich. Never rich. More than me. More than mom? Maybe a bit. We didn’t have tv. They had tv. Of course they did. But you didn’t? Never. Why? No money. No house. No home. No food. Spaghetti. Pasta. Always rigottoni. Can’t stand it. Can’t eat it. Never again. What then? Porkchops. Not again. Not again. Not again. Swing again. Strike again. Out of bounds. Foul ball. Try again. Hit again. Below the shoulders. Above the knees. Get down. Smaller box. Strike zone. Hey batta batta batta aswing. Spitting seeds. Sunflowers. Tobasco. Vinegar. Big chew. Tobacco too. Strips of string. Bubblegum pink. Clicking jaw. Clattering teeth. Shivering. Wool. Polyester. He’s sweating. He’s sick. He needs a doctor. Advil will do. Hospital too. Not again. He needs it still. Too much. Can i ask the parents to leave the room? Son. i want you to tell me something. Okay. Are they hurting you? Who? Them. My mom? And dad. That’s not my dad. Who’s he? Step dad. How’s that? Married mom. Where’s dad? Weekends sometimes. Split custody? Guess so. Always? Just for life. Where is he? Westfield. And she? Noblesville. Not too far. Moving soon. Who? Him. Your dad? Yeah. Where? Mccordsville. Quite a drive. Yeah. Him or her? Him and him. Who? Dad and step dad. Together. Halfway. Walgreens. Rotting field. Tilted corn. Car lots and subarus. Giant monkey. Giant rooster. Cock a doodle doo. Painted white. When? Last year. Still there? Still there. Why? Don’t know. It was nice. It was. But not anymore. Not so much. What’s there now? Where? Across from him. Bier. Beer. Brewery. Just a sip. He’s 12. Old enough. Anything you want. Anything? You don’t have to ask. Ice cream too? Ice cream too. Thanks dad. But not beer. No beer. Are you high? What? Don’t you walk away from me boy. I’m not high. Let me see your eyes. Movie went late. That late? That long. Don’t you move. Where are you? Computer room. Safari. Google. Fandango. It’s been 4 hours. So? 2 hours. Just a ride. What did i tell you? Not that far. Any far is too far. Too far for friends? Too far for you. It’s my car. i bought it for you. You didn’t have to. i wanted to. For you. For you. To get to you. To be with me. Where? Here. This isn’t my home. This will always be your home. You’re never here. Just upstairs. Sleeping still. Tired still. Always tired. Always sleeping. Where’d they go? Who? Your mom. That’s not my mom. Who’s she? Step mom. And sisters? Half sisters. And dad? And dad. They left you? i guess so. All alone? Guess so. Where’d they go? i don’t know. You don’t know? i don’t know. They told you so. i don’t think so. You forget. i don’t think so. They wouldn’t do that. They did. Well it’s time for you to go. i can’t stay? You can’t stay. Why? Have to clean. i can clean. And what will i do? i don’t know. You go, i’ll stay. Till when? Till later. How much later? However much later. i can’t drive. What about that bike? Down the road. Over the lake. Through the grass. Through the green. Fading summer. Turning leaves. Coffee shop. Three bears theme. Wooden statues. Painted eyes. Staring black. Staring back. Staring down. How much is that? 4.33. I only have 3. Don’t worry about that. i don’t have to get that. On the house. Is that your house? On the corner. The willow tree. The oak. The acorn. Crab apples. Don’t eat those. i think you can. Thistle weed. Lavender. Squeeze the flower. Suck the juice. Tie the grass. Blade and blade and blade. Knots and knicks and cuts and bruise. Bleeding. Scabbing. Scar. Red. Field day. Maypole. What an honor. Two years in a row. How many can say that? i don’t know. You should be proud. It’s just a dance. And you won. i didn’t win. They don’t just choose just anybody for just that. They just feel bad. Bad about what? i never really win all that much of anything at all. Well now you have. But i didn’t win. You look like a winner to me. Winner winner chicken dinner. Chicken for dinner? That’s just what they say. Who? Them. Who’s them? i don’t know, people, the public, just, ya know, a thing people say. What did he say? He’d be there. Your sure? He has to. Never before. This is different. Different how? They’re in the wedding. Not him. But his daughters. Your sisters. Bridesmaids. Groomsmen. Your brother. Up there. Tahoe. Kings beach. August 16th. 2019. i guess i have to give a speech. What is he doing? Giving a speech. Who asked him? Well he is. What about mom? i don’t know. Did you tell her? How could i? You knew? No. Whats that? Her speech. In your pocket? In my wallet. What a bastard. He didn’t know. He should’ve known. When i think about Em. He knows i hate that. How would he? Because i do. But you never told him. i don’t have to. Whats so wrong with a nickname? We don’t do nicknames here. What about Hank? That’s different. Different how? He’s ours. Or yours? And yours. Doesn’t feel like mine. Is that how you feel? Like what? Downton Abbey, season 3, episode 9. Swallowed fireworks when i looked at you. Same as you? You with him? No. What then? The black. The dark. The void. The hurt. The kiss. The slap. The stain. His jeans. His pants. Can you believe that? Skinny jeans at his age too. And just a baby. Throw away. Throw away. Too small. So? Get rid of it. For keeps sake. All of this? Everything. He doesn’t play with this. It’s not for him. Then who? For me. Like mom? Why not? And what did she do? Has them still. Rotting in a cellar, rotting in rats, rotting in mold, rotting in wet. Waterproof, i guess, at least, that’s what it says. Until? What? When? Crinkled flesh crawls along the backs of hands and broken fingertips, clawing nails of blood and bile and bits of clay, red of earth and arching sun that seeps across and splays its rays in sprays of orange and green beyond the mountain range. Black by 5. Bed by 8. You should stay up. But i already did everything. So you just go to sleep? There’s nothing else to do. You need a hobby. Life is a hobby. Living isn’t fun. Work is your new favorite. You need a job. i’m in school. What about rent? Student loans will do. You can’t live there. In colorado? In Denver. i like it here. And the prostitute? She’s a good enough neighbor. And the heroin dealer? Never offered me any. You live in a slum. i don’t see any bugs. i’m not so sure that’s quite enough. i have to go. Don’t go. Snow’s piling up. So let it sno.. One foot is two is three is four, then there’s the car, caved in and broken through. i miss you. i miss you. When will you be home? It’s only for a little while longer. 3 more years. Hardly two. i don’t know if i can do this still. What can i do? Come home, be here. With what? There’s plenty here. There’s nothing there. i’m just nothing then? You’re everything. Barely anything. i can’t just quit. Leaving isn’t quitting. Third school in 2 years. The world is weird. i don’t want to be weird. Remember senior year? We didn’t have lunch together. You had A and i had B. Spent most of the time in the bathroom. Across the hall. In a stall. Hiding. Couldn’t sit alone. There. Where everyone saw. Everyone knew. Reading too. The Tao Te Ching. They would laugh, you would say, make fun, tease. But it wouldn’t be fun. Never a tease. i hated me, and all of them, and they hated you, they hated me, they hated us. Dropped out then, left then. Back again. Why isn’t he in class? Why isn’t he in school? Left to leave a life, to find something new. Three weeks into school. And you heard them, the teachers and students and janitors too. You knew what you were. You know what you are. Pathetic. Pitiful. Better here. Safer here. The third stall from the left. You didn’t eat then. You were sick all the time. Sick like before. Missed most of 6th grade. Like when you were born. Dead for three minutes straight. Then the strokes. The seizures. All those antibiotics. Turned your teeth yellow. Plastered with plaque and calcium and gook. When’s the last time you brushed your teeth? Just this morning. Don’t lie to me boy. i don’t know what you mean. Surgery. Nothing invasive. But this could be gum disease. Braces too. Rubber bands. Pick your color. Red. Green. Pink. Blue. Nice scarf. Gay. Are you? Who said that? What? That i’m gay? No i just thought, i was just wondering, is all, no one said it, really, i just thought. Where is everybody? Locker room. It’s getting cold. On the floor. The white. The speckled linoleum. Greased. Stained. Buffed. Waxed. Wax on. Wax off. Jaden Smith. Jackie Chan. Cushioned seats. Rips and tears. Bits of fluff. Pulling up. Pulling out. On the side. On the chair. Piled high. Bit and bit and bit. Piece and piece and piece. Wool or something sort of a bit like that. Stop that now. Watch the movie now. Pass the popcorn now. No more candy now. Some mints in my purse. Go fetch it now. i’ll miss it now. Just a few seconds now. Too many minutes now. How long was that? Just over 3 hours. Dark already. The sun is setting. How about pizza? On a thursday? Just this once. We’ve got food at home. It’s his birthday. What good will that do? Live a little. Live a lot. Don’t tell your mom. Don’t tell your dad. Grab his credit card. i don’t know if i should do that. He has money, he always does, god knows child support won’t. We came to an agreement. What kind of an agreement? A handshake sort of thing. No money, one way or the other. There’s always money in the banana stand. Out on good behavior. Time served. What’s that around his ankle? Your cousin got into a bit of trouble. Cause of the hole? Cause of the wall? No, honey, not the hole, not the wall. What then? Did things. Bad things. What kinds of things? He took some things. Sold some things. Meth enphatamine. Herion. Acid. That sort of thing. But not anymore? He quit that now, quit that then, back there, back when, in there, the silver, the metal, the ringing, the rung, the wrung, the wringed, the ring, married, almost soon, engaged, wedding bells. Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. And that dog of yours too. What’s her name? His name. That’s what i said. You didn’t though? i did too. You always do that. Do what? Every he is her and every her is he. Well is she he or her? He. What’s her name? He doesn’t have a name. Doesn’t have a name? Just the dog, or that dog, or it. She needs a name. i didn’t have a name. Just a few weeks. Just baby. But she’s not baby. Then call him puppy. What about brownie? Or Jack? Here’s Johnny. 3am. Don’t fall asleep. Just for a second. Not tonight buddy. But mom gets to. Mom isn’t sick. i don’t feel sick. It's not that kind of sick. They’re just gonna watch me sleep? Electrodes and EKGs. Brainwaves. Patterns. On the ceiling. How many fish do you see? Go back to class. But i don’t feel good. You never feel good. Better here. Better there. i want to go home. You can’t go home. You go home. After work. Whenever you want. i’m here with you, and so is Ms. Green, too. But you like what you do. Spose i do. But i have to go to school. You do. So why can’t i be like you? You are like me. Not much like me. More than you think. i don’t think so. You want to be a nurse too? A girl maybe. Boys will be boys. They never get along with me. Do you get along with them. i want to. i try to. But do you? Don’t you shrug your shoulders at me boy. i dunno. You’re not a hillbilly, boy. i don’t know. i think you very much do. How could i? And what did you learn?  i don’t remember. Then you didn’t learn anything. But i did! i know i did. i promise i did. Don’t you lie, boy. Liars and cheaters all the same. The tent. The uncle. And aunt. Next to him. Next to you. One site over. You and her. That girl. That highschool sweetheart. Married still. Happy still. Mom and you. Room enough for both. You and her. Her and you. On the ground. In the dirt. In the mud. In the muck. The goo. The ooze. The slime. The wet. The white. The rocking. Twisting. Turning. Shouting Yelling. Screaming. Squeezing. Sight. 1. Or 2? Again. 1. Or 2. Blurry still. Glasses. Contacts. i’ll pay for those. Insurance will. Mine. Not yours. But i went with her. With mom? And jimmy too. Well we’ll just have to see about that. But i’ve got glasses now. At your moms. i can’t wear them here? We’ll get you some for here too. And clothes. And shoes. And all that stuff you need. You don’t need to pack. You don’t need to change. Keep that there and this here. Life and life. Room and room. Birthday parties. 2. Christmas. Thanksgiving. New Years too. You had him last year. You have him every year. Monday Wednesday. Tuesday Thursday. Every other weekend. What about school? He grew up here. This is better. Where is he? With you. Like hell. i watched him walk through. And gone too? He could be hiding. He’s not hiding. Mom? Jesus Christ! Don’t you dare take his name in vain. Jesus loves me this i know, for the bible tells me so. Youth group. After school. Saturdays. Sundays. Bible study. Book club. Wine and cheese. Winery. Vineyard. Oliver. Too sweet. Just a sip. One or three. Jim King. It won’t kill him. When he’s older. He’s old enough now. 14. Marijuana. Devil’s cabbage. Dank. Weed. Coke can bong. Red eyes. Red eye. Flight. 8 to 5. New Amsterdam. Venice. Florence. Dirty pigeons. Is that your son? Our daughter's boyfriend. Fiance. Husband. Do you even want to get married? i love you. But do you like me? Of course i like you. You have to love me. i don’t have to do anything. You don’t like me. i like you and i love you. Sometimes it just feels like you don’t, you know. Why? Always writing. i’m not writing. But you want to be writing. i just wanna do something worth something. You are something. To you, maybe. Why do you have to be anybody other than you? You don’t get it. Help me get it. You have your life, your dream, your 6 year old fantasy, all you ever wanted, a doctor, a therapist, good money, good career, pension, short days, long weekends. And you do too. i deliver food for a living. Not forever. Just a stock broker. A day trader. A firefighter. Commercial maker. Crossfit trainer. You do what for a living? Adult media. Gay stuff mostly. Actor? Performer. i just hold the camera. And what’s so wrong with that? Not much of a vocation. What about Henry? i’ll find something soon. This isn’t before. It’s always before. It’s more than before. How much more? More than just me and you.  i’ll try to be there soon. You are when you can. Don’t quit. Not again. Not for me. Not for this. Not for you. Not for him. Just another. And another. And another. Another. i could do this forever. And ever? And ever. Make more, make better, make film, make life, make art, make eyes, make sight, make mind. Make up your mind. Mind this. Mind that. Mine. Mine. Mine. Nemo. Lilo & Stitch. Hawaii 5-0. Fuck the police. NWA. 33 and ⅓. Rolling needle. Spinning head. Advil. Aspirin. April showers. May flowers. Baby’s breath. Furrowed fog. Stumbling steam. Acrid humidity. Soapy scum. Bubbling wet. He really said all that? Every last word of it. Soon you’ll be home soon. Not so soon. Why not soon? More to do soon. More for what? More for us. Not like this. Not like now. Don’t say that. Don’t buy that. Don’t do that. Don’t be that. Don’t live that. Don’t breathe that. Don’t kiss that. Don’t touch that. Don’t tell me what to do with that. And what about that? What about what? What about rent? You worry about you. Anxious about you. Screaming about you. Rolling back too. Rolling off. Rolling down. Down. Down. Down. The pillow. The sheet. The blue. The white. The stain. The bed. The baby. The head. The crack. The broken neck. Prodding bones. Biting tongue. Knotted cheeks. Turpentine teeth. Gangrene knuckles and lingering feet. The rope. The noose. The neck. The glass. The rubber. The gravel. The cracking hubwheel. The splitting rust. The crash. The gas. The carbon. Monoxiede. Knife. Against the cloth. Polyster. Cotten. 60/40 blend. Sweater. Sweating. Cold. Drips of drops. Through the hole. The whole. Into flesh. Skin. Sturnum. Between the ribs. Leaning down. Counter granite. Apartment kitchen. Missing rent. Eviction notice. Pushing down. Down. Down. Don’t. Why? You're scared. Of what? Of this. Of us? Of you and me and him. i'm not scared of him. You're scared for him. For what? That you'll be like him, like you, your father, your son. Not Henry. Why Henry? Like the poet. O'henry? Thoreau. Was that with Ms. Shepard or Mr. Brady? Do you wanna go? High school again. Ten years ago. Do you? No. Why? Everyone i knew, i know, everyone i didn’t, i don’t. You got into princeton. And Stanford. And NYU. And what did you do? i quit for you. You quit for you. i couldn't do it. You can’t still. i went back soon. The fourth or the fifth? All the same in the end. You threw it all away. 23 times again. 23 years. 23 lives. 23 you. 23 me. Were you really all that young? You were just about. Most my life. All of mine. Always us. Always together. Never apart. Never before. Never between. From the first. From the start. From 7 years on. You made a promise. On the playground. In the yard. The dirt. The mud. The sinking grass. i would love you. And you would love me. And one day there would  be more than you and me. And one day there will. Always one day. Always someday. But someday soon. Why? Because there are so few somedays. There's still time. There still was. But not anymore? Geriatric soon. Five years still. Too old soon. Adoption too. i want me and you. Can i say no? There's always no. No no for this, no no for me, no no for us. Why?  If there was, if i did,  there’d be no more you, no more me, no more us. But there doesn't have to be. Had to be, there, i mean. i was. And you were too. i saw myself. And i saw you. At the start. The beginning. Time and time and time. The warping chimera and flames and waves, lapping froth and foam and bits of salt. The wet of the sea splashed against the glass. The jar. The refracted prisms of gold and blue and me and you. Smudged. Stained. Scratched. Scarred. Pricking line. Elongated limbs and broken cavities. Chasms of black and gray and dribbling flesh. Don't tap the glass. Don't touch the wet, the sweat, the pane, the pain. Between. The walls of breath, of life, of me, of flesh, opaque, quagmire, of oil and black and rotting periwinkle. Flattened, compressed, pressed, against the glass, the fog, the specks of white, the shape of you, over me, all of me, face and face and eyes and eyes and nose and nose and knows and you and i and me and she. That looked like you. i looked like you. You looked like me. Are you two siblings? Gross. But true. Not me or you. By marriage, though. By love. By all of me and all of you. And what did you say? What did you do? The same as you. Just snickers and smiles and mumbles and whispers. Leaking rumors and seeping slights, the sludge of gay where that meant everything, where that was, is, the worst thing you could ever be, anything could ever be, anyone would ever be. You know that's just pretend, honey, don't you, that there on the flat screen tv? Ferrell doesn't really love Riley, not like that, that's a sin. i know, mom. i'll always love you, no matter what. Even that? You're not that. But what if i was? Single? Double. One shot for me. i thought it was you. Refractions, reflections, spiraling rainbows. A distorted world of red and blue and violent green. i pressed my hand upon the glass, cupping palms, smashing flesh, against the cold, the wet, the fog,  you and me, hand and hand, skin and skin, the shape, the cut, the lines, the edge, dragged, sawed, across, the white, the shadow, the breath, of limbs, the chest, and feet, and i, and eye, downcast. Look at me when i'm talking to you. Yes sir. Is what she said true? Who? Your mother. She's not my mother. Your step-mother. No. She's lying? Yes. Why? I don't know. Are you? No. Look at me when i speak to you. Yes sir. She's sick. Who? Your mother. Why? Can't you tell? No. The wrinkled limbs, the aging flesh, the plastered teeth of plaque and nicotine. The swollen eyes of green. The stuttering sobs. The guttural moans. The lithium glaze. The chalky smile. The toothy lips. That's just who mom is, dad. i need you to tell me something. Yes sir. Has your mother been taking? What? Lithium. i don't know. Don't lie to me boy. i can't tell. i want you to look. Where? i want you to watch. Why? i don't want you in a home like that. Like what? Like sick, like her, like cuts, like scabs, like scars, like razors, like knives, like guns, like rope, like gas, like cars parked in cluttered garages, second story windows and knocked over chairs and rooms of black, painted black. Painted emerald green. You? No, him. Who?  Your uncle, we used to be friends, this used to be his. The van? The van. But now yours? Now mine. How? Before we were married, before the divorce, we did everything together, me and him, me and sean, knew him before i knew her, met her, screwed her. Why don't you still? Sides take sides, her or mine, his wife, her sister, your aunt, alcoholic, pill popper, house arrest, DUI, lost it all, in the fight, teacher once, damn good one too, used to work together, before all that, before all her. Before he paints the house? Emphysema can’t. What's that? What? That. The glass. No, that. The chip. You'll cut your throat. Just a bit. Just get another. i don't want another. i want another. Then get another. But you won't get another. i don't want another. i don't want to drink alone, another. Then i'll get another. But you don't want another. i don't want another. Then don't get another. But you want another. i don't want another if you don't want another. But you do want another and i want another. Can i get you two another? Yes. That's what you said? Just about. But it's not true. Fraid to catch it too? Already have it. Schizophrenia too? You do. But not you. Everything else. But OCD. Just all the symptoms. How’s that different? Do you want to try? i don't want adderall. Lithium? i don't want anything. i didn't either when i was your age too. i don't mind the mania, or the other stuff too, that's okay, i'm fine with that, it's those middle days, those normal days, those days that feel like nothing at all, that really are the worst. Nothing's worse than this. It's a trick, you know, those days that aren't high or low or anything at all, it makes you think you're not so different, not so special, just plain normal, like everything else, like everyone else, and there's nothing worse than that, than being normal, than being average, than just being, that's what it makes everything so very awful, so goddamn terrible, just my complete inability to do anything at all. You can do anything you want in life. That hasn't turned out so well. i just don't want you to give up on this. What’s there left to give up on? You'll find the right path, it just takes time. Always time. If i had done half the things you'd done at your age too. But you had, you did, you had me, 7 already, and a home, and a life, and everything. We still lived in an apartment then, with the pork chops we promised were chickens, remember, we had to, you wouldn't eat otherwise, wouldn't eat anything at all, We’re not leaving till you eat that. i’m not hungry. You’re never hungry. i will be when i am. Do you know what my dad did? No. When my dad saw his son doing what you’re doing now, to me, your father, he walked right in, sat himself down, in front of everyone i knew, at school, at lunch, middle of the day, and said eat, and waited and waited and waited, and i don’t know what kind of deal he made with the teacher, the principal, whoever, but we didn’t move, didn’t leave, not all day, not all night, until i would eat. Did you? i had to. Do i? Yes. What if i don't want to? We don't say that here. But it's true. i shouldn't tell you this, but i will. You don't have to if you don't want to. It's not a matter of want, but need. You're the doctor. i once knew a woman, not all that much different from you, young too, 23 maybe, she wanted to do what you did too, what you just said then there, a moment ago, she wanted to too, and she called me, it was late, i remember that, 2 or 3 or something like that, and she said she had a gun, a bullet, her temple, her skull, loaded, ready to pull, and i bartered and begged and pleaded and she did it still. She let go. She pulled the trigger. She died? No, she screamed, and screamed, and screamed. Screaming. Screaming. Screaming. Henry. Go back to sleep. Please go back to sleep. Please just sleep. Please. i'll do anything. i promise. Just go back to sleep. Please? Please. Please. You look tired. i am tired. Do you wanna go home? You don't wanna go home. But you do. i wanna be with you. You wanna go to bed. i wanna go to sleep. Let's just go. i don't wanna go. You don't wanna be here. i wanna be with you. i'm done anyways. It's still half full. There, happy. It'll stain. Like rorshack. Like butterflies. Like geese. Like women. Like dots. Of grief. Of her. Of drugs. Of blue. Of green. Unfit motherhood. Gripped, grabbed, prodded, groped, snatched, away, her son, her me, her i, full custody, to him, to father, that's all you need, said the judge, what's love to him, life to him, it's safety that matters, that's what matters, and you can't have him, have me, but he'll forget, or forgive, or let me live with you again, was that his idea, or yours, or hers? Monday here, Tuesday there, just the two of us, ipod shuffle, ruby stained cherry cola and egg mcmuffins. Frozen branches and rusting subarus. Locked doors, rattling glass, banging on, going on, and on, and on, behind, a trailer, old woman, teenager. i'll take over.  i'll see you soon. i won't be long now. But i have to go. Back. To her. And her. And her. My wife. My daughter. My daughter. My sisters. Next weekend, maybe, if we're home, you can stay, in your room, don't come out, don't take your clothes, don't pack your bag, don’t do anything at all. everything you need, everything you want, just ask, that's all you have to do, and i'll buy it for you, i promise you, but not now, no, not now, maybe later maybe, tomorrow maybe. Circles. What does that mean? What? Circles. No beginning, no end. Infinite. Like us. Like me. Like him. A promise. On the sofa. The couch. The futon. The pull out. This is for you. All for you. The room. The only room. Just me and you. i'll take the floor. The carpet. The hardwood. The tile. The linoleum. The bugs. The spiders. George. Don't name them. But spiders aren't bugs. Don't name him either. i'm hungry. How about some rice? Always rice. Uncle Ben's. Uncle Mike. Just Michael now. But he's my uncle. Not anymore. Why not? Him and her aren't together anymore. What did he do?  He killed the cat. How? He put her in a bag, the cat, a laundry bag, and put the bag in the back, the truck, the trunk, and turned the key, revved the engine and drove away, through the mud, the dirt, the corn, the maize, the maze. Indian day. Feathers and tie dye and bouncing wrists and chapped flesh, dry skin, pink lips, purple now, stained with cold, with snow, 4th grade, Indiana history, the story of the Hoosier. Who's ear? On the floor. The bar. The sticky. The glossy. The wet. The spilled. Liquor. Lick her. Who? The chocolate figure. The bunny? Who else? Why her? Not me. Why not him? She doesn’t look like him. Can he? No. Why? Too little. 3 months already. When he can sit. He can sit. On his own. i’ll hold him up. He’ll get sick. Just one lick? No. Why? For him. How him without him? Without him there is no me, no other me, another me, like me, without him there isn't that, him, me, again, that's all i want for him. He won't be like you, not like that. You don't want him to be like me. You don't want to be like you. Who would ever want to be like me? There's plenty of you that i want you to be. But all those plenties are only for now, for this, for her, for you and him and him and her and not for me, never me, and i can't be this, that, what you want me to be, what you need me to be, what he can be, when you need me to be. You don't wanna be with me. All i wanna do is be with you. Then why do you wanna leave? i don't. But you will. You don't know. All i do. Never. But soon? Not tomorrow. There is no tomorrow. For me or you? For both too soon. Because of this? Because you can't, because you won't, because all you think about whenever you think about anything, everything, is this, is nothing, is all the breaths that twitch and cough and gag and moan and choke and choke and choke. And let him choke. Let him choke? He needs to learn how to chew. By choking? By working through. i don't like this. You don't have to. i can't do this. You have to. What if he chokes. He won't choke. But you said he had to. To swallow, to learn, to know, but if he's choking, really choking, you'll know. How? Purple and blue and stillness too. What? Don't look at me like that. No one's ever looked at me like that. Like you. Like the the way you do. For me. To me. Of me. How could they, Henry? How could you, Henry? You don't know. Who i am. To you. To anyone. i'm just space. A fidgeting creature that feeds and burps and plays. And in that place, in that phase, in that blank, empty face, is love, i think. i don't know how to be what that is to you. i don't know how to love you. i don't know how to love. i want to. i do. That's all i wanna do. But i don't know how to. Not really. Not proper. It's violent. Terrible. Awful. Full of blood and guts and sacks of simmering flesh. And shards of prickling, stabbing, jabbing glass. She tried to too. Your great grandmother. Not her, or her, but her. Your fathers fathers mother. You never met her. i never met her. She was only 43. She didn't know how to love. How to live. So she didn't. And he did. Walked in. Dad. My dad. Not yours. Your grandad. Your real one. Biological. Paternal. Saw her. In the tub, the blood, the gun, the bullet, wedged between tile and tile, the heat, of summer, of desert, New Mexico, new too, to the south, to the west, moved in, moved away, from him, his father, your great grabdfather, great to you, would’ve been, if he could, if he knew, you, anyone, agent orange will do that to you, to him, who never got along, with himwouldn’t, couldn't, so he left, his home, his state, for another, 3000 miles farther, to her, his mother, the cancer, they told her, or something like it, doesn't much matter, the gun was there alread, the bullet and the skull and the brain and the rot. And will you, Henry, too, walk in on me, or i on you? Destiny. Destiny. i can't escape my destiny. Is that gene wilder? Is that young frankenstein? It's pronounced Frankenstein. The monster. The blistered mass of cells and veins and globs of vessels that rip and tear through wrists and tendons and ligaments and bones. And skull. 75th percintile. Too big. For hats. For shirts. For clothes. Pajamas. Cut toes. Too hot. On the stairs. 7 then. At the edge. At the end. The razors dull. They couldn't cut. They wouldn't scrape. But that's okay. This will do. Just the same. To throw, to leap, to jump, to fall, down down down, the steps, the stairs, the wood, the oak, the banister. With bleeding gums and gushing blood and globs of guts. Along the green. Upon the grass. The cut. The mowed. The shaved. The forest. The trees. The noose. YouTube. You can find anything on there. She was 13. TikTok. Ban the damn thing. Burn the damn thing. Eat the damn thing. The flower? The lavender. The drink. The drunk. The rum. The gin. The promise. Your promise. You wouldn't stop. i want to be happy. So do i for you. Then make me happy. i can't make you happy. You can, you could, tonight, now. You're drunk. Your drunk. i don't wanna be drunk. Why? Drinking won't let me forget. Most the time you do. It's easier to. To drink? To forget. About me. About this. About him? About the knife and the noose and the gas and the rope and the road and the car and the close. Too close. Too sweet. Hozier. Martini. Another. Another. Another. Another. Bazinga. Sheldon. Cheap, cracked, spider webbed tv. This one's on me. Not me. Not me. No, me. Behind the bar, the counter, the pine, the oak, the sticky scratched names and lovers and broken promises. You too? Not us. Why not? i can't. i will. You're drunk. So? You can’t hold a knife. Don't tell me what to do. i wouldn’t if i wanted to? Not in forever. How long has it been? 5 years this year. Together? Married. Here? No, close, once, a long time ago, home. Kentucky? Indiana. Is it raining? Always raining. A little humid. Lapping, licking, sucking, seeping, through, the bruise, to me, to you, your hand, up there, between, arm and arm and chest and eyes that glaze and tear, donuts, yeast. Your favorite. Never cake. Not even on my birthday. Not even on your 18th.. 10 years ago now. Kicked out. Dropped out. No son of mine. No father anymore. You had your chance. And chance. And chance. And chance. And what did you do? You threw it all away. Without a diploma. Without a degree. Without a GED. That was your choice. Your decision. Consequences. Ramifications. You can't just come here whenever you want. But this is my house. This isn't your home. But you're my dad. You're not welcome here anymore. But you have to. You never were. Not ever? Not for 13 years counting. When you got married? When we started a family. The day you left. i was always there for you. You were always there for her. i was always there for my family. Who is your family? The ones i love. Love is pictures on the wall. In the room. Your room. Your work. Your office. Your school. Sit awhile. Stay awhile. For lunch. For now. Before. Between. Class. Work. 4th grade. Substitute. Bahamas, i think, is where she went off to. Mr. Lugo, like Mr. Lugo, the principal? Just the same. Do you know him? He's my dad. i didn't know he had a son. You didn't know he was a dad! i didn't know he had a boy. And girls too. i've seen them too. Where? In his office. Him and her and her and her. But none of you. That's just at school. Do you like the school? i guess so. It wasn't always like this, you know. No? Not before. Never before Some principle. Some principal. i've always done what i can for you. i've always tried to love you. But you don’t. Not exactly. How exactly? It's not so much you as her. A bit cliched. The evil step mother and all that. Never never touched you. Never had to. Never hurt you. Not like you. How can i?  She hates me. She doesn't hate you. She doesn’t like me. You remind her of before. i was only 5. We can't control how we feel. She could try. Well what much can i do now? There's nothing you can do. Then stop your whining. But there is something you could have done. That was a long time ago now. September 2nd, 1996. A long time ago after that. Not her. Who? Mom. We were just kids. She was 14. She was 18. When you met. At a bar. You were 22. How could i know? But you did. Did your mother tell you this? The paper did. What paper? When we got married, we needed something, something lost, documents, papers, divorce papers, yours, hers, for some reason, i'm not sure why, and the date was there, the divorce, the separation, that was the date, September 2nd, 1996. Well then it must have been then. She was high, C-section, major surgery, couldn't breathe, her, me, heart stop beating, lots of seizures, those first few years, stained my teeth, nicotine yellow, chalky medication. Threw it away.Throw it away. What? What happened. When? Back then. With her? To her. Is that what she told you? What did you tell me? You were five when you saw her again. Or before i saw you? 20 milligrams will do that to you. Hallucinogen? i'm sure she thinks what she thought she said is true. But you, of course, are infallible, that's true. Sober too. Then why'd you let me go back? Because she got better. When you got married? You wanted to be with her. And you wanted to be with her. i always did what's best for you. You always did what's best for you. Only the best for you. How many channels did you get to? 102. Mom only has PBS. Zaboomafoo. Blues Clues. Handy dandy notebook. Is that for you? Don't play with that. Don't let Henry play with that. Don't leave it on the floor. What about the basket? He can't eat the basket. But the basket's on the floor. i can't move the basket. But you can move the basket. Where would i move the basket? Somewhere where he can't get the bSket. Why can't you just move the notebook. i can move the notebook. Then move the notebook. No. Why? It's the principle. What principle? He needs to learn. He’s six months old. Life has to start sometime. Austi, please. It's just a wicker basket. He'll ruin it. That's what babies do. Like me and you? And a pine box too. Don't kid. With him? With me. He’s the only kid i’d kid.. Shh. What? i think he fell asleep. Is he dreaming? He's a baby. But he smiles and cries and screams. i never like it when he screams. It's not like before, like the other, the others. Louder. Louder. Louder. So much louder. And something more. Something primal. There's fear there. Not like scary fear or terror fear, but fear fear. A fear that lives beyond thoughts, beyond life, beyond breath. Not of life, not of death, not of you or me or anything else, but pure, complete, consuming, gnawing, chewing, feeding fear. It's just biology. But i dream. So? And you dream too. i do. So why wouldn't he, who is you and me and us and him, dream too?  There's nothing we can do. But there has to be something we can do. If there was something we could do we would do that something but we can't do something so there's nothing we can do. So we should just give up then? i had night terrors, and so did you. So? Do you remember them? No. Then neither will he. But what if he does, what if he can, what if we're fucking him up? We're not. That's what they thought too. Who? Mom and dad and them. And look at you. Me? Your score. My score? Next to mine. That's a lot. More than that. Is that good? No. Oh. But it's not all that bad either. No? It's just a thing. What does it mean? It measures trauma. You can't measure trauma. It's my job to measure trauma. What does that do? Help. With what? Treatment. Treating what? People like you. What are people like me? All kinds of people. Hurt people. People with a lot of life to live. What kind of life can i live, with this, with that? i just want to help. Everyone always wants to help. What’s so wrong with that? You can't help. You won't let me help. You can't change what's already been helped. But i can stop what might not be helped. Not anymore. Why not? Too late. Since when? Since always. Since him? Never him. Always him. i just want him to be happy. And how can he be happy without you? i wasn't. She's not you. That's not what it says. Where? On the bottle, the orange, the white, the typed, the signed, insured, coated, pressed, imprinted, pill. How about the truth? The truth would be nice. i've always been honest with you. i know, grandpa. And this part is completely true. You can watch it too. i don't need to watch it, i've lived it. Before i cut it, print it, show it, you can watch it first, if you'd rather do that, just to make sure. Make sure of what? That it's everything you want it to be, not anything you don't, you won't. If i say it, i mean it, so i'll say it, and i'll mean it. Is it working? Always working. International trade? Well that's what they called it way back in my day. Mom said you were arrested. i was never arrested. Tax fraud. Phooey. Prison. Never a day. Or a psych ward. i've never been healthier. So you never stepped foot in there? What happened to my feet? Diabetes. You should take better care of me. i'll always take care of you. Until i die? Until we die. You don't wanna watch me die. i wanna be with you until we do. There's nothing worse than that? What? Watching. Dying, maybe. No, worse. How? Dying you can do, you can live, you can breathe, you can choose, but to watch, to know there's nothing you can do, that's all the worse. Well i don't spose there's all that much you can do. There is. What's that? i wanna be alone. Alone won't do you no good. Not me, no. Then what for? For you, for him, for better, not worse, not to see, not to think, not to feel, not to know. You're being selfish. i know. To think this is about you, to say this is for you, but it's not, you know, to do this, to cut this, to shoot this, to hang this, it's all of us, everyone, everything. i don't want to hurt you. Then why are you? i just want to feel something. Then feel me, and him, and you, and us, and all of this, the taste of rum, aspertane, splenda, sweet and low, three for me, bitter coffee, hot cocoa, New York City, all alone, looking out, watching, watching, watching, the rope of kids, third grade, crossing the street, the road, the honking horns, the wailing vendors, the slithering garbage, the slipping tender, closing out, just the bill, i hate when you do that. Do what? When you get the bill. The gesture? The whole thing. So she knows. But she can hear you. And now she can see me too.

i can’t see it. What? The clock. Why? The time. A little past 2. Do you think he's still hungry? He won't stop crying. That's the third time. Will you make him a bottle? i always make him a bottle. i'll stay up with you. What good will that do? You don't have to be alone. You'll just be tired too. i wanna be tired. What good will it do? i'm just trying to help. Then you feed him this time. You're never home. i have to work. It's the least you could do. i could do so much less. Will you just go? Good morning Henry. Are you hungry still? i'm not mad at you, i promise. i won't throw you. i won't shake you. i won't scream. i won't cry. But i want to. i want to. i want to. You don't want the bottle? What about your diaper? Do you want your paci? Alexa, play white noise. Alexa, turn it up. Alexa, turn it down. Why won't you sleep? Why can't you sleep? i promise, i'll do whatever you want. Please, god, please, just let me sleep. i just wanna sleep. i'll do anything to sleep. Did he fall back asleep? For now. Will you? i can't. Wh? Work soon. Another hour still. Other work. Later. There's no time for later. There's always time for later. Not anymore. Where are you going? To the garage. It's your turn to watch him. It's always my turn. You're never home. i'm home right now. Off to go work. i have to work. Why? i don't know, i just do. It won't do anything, change anything, mean anything. i know. Then why can't you just sit here, be here with me, with him, with us, just for a minute, just for now, not forever, just until. What? We're gone. Where are you going? 

          Where are you?