Day 1

Mom didn't take it so well. Figures. Dad seemed excited, though. Also figures. Other than that, day was pretty normal.

Day  6

Training starts tomorrow. I'm really nervous. Not sure what to expect. Dad says not to worry. Mom won't stop crying. Not sure what to say. Hope dad is right.

Day 23

Dad was right (for once)! I would've never guessed it could've been like this! Sure, the food is gross and the work is tiring, but...well...it's amazing! It's good to finally have a fulfilling job. My dad says he's never been so proud of me before. I don't think he's ever been proud of me before. All in all, a pretty good day.

Day 24

Mother fucking arrows. Who the fuck ever invented such a dumb shit contraption. The fucking arrow?!? Goddamn Mongols! What did they ever do, anyways? This is stupid.

Day 25

Arrow practice went well, sergeant said I'd be a real somebody some day. I couldn't help but smile. This of course led to the inevitable beating, as happiness is the very bane of our mission. Nonetheless, I'm happy, even if I did get the living shit beat out of me.

Day 29

Holy shit! We set sail in just two fucking days! I've never been on a boat before. Never even left the country. Hell, I've barely been farther than Dublin. Mom's still crying, but that's to be expected. I'm told a lot of moms are crying today. I guess moms aren't really in to the whole pillaging and raping and all that good stuff. Understandable, that kind of stuff is no thing for a lady. To think they even have to ponder such thoughts is a horrid possibility. Hopefully mom will forget about me soon.

Day 30

Oh my god! We set sail in just 12 hours! Holy fucking fuck! I gotta admit, I'm a tad nervous. I'm told a lotta kids get sick their first week out. Not exactly sure what that's supposed to me, but hope I don't have to vomit. I hate vomiting. It's literally the worst thing to have ever existed. It should be banned from like, everywhere.

Day 32

Set sail yesterday, unfortunately, couldn't right, too busy spewing good straight outta the wazoo. That was fun...Not! Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to travel by these fucking things?! A fucking boat?! What is this, the fifteenth century?!?

Day 35

Captain informs me that it very well is the fifteenth century. Huh, who knew? I guess that explains that rank smell and all those rats. There are so many rats. Why the fuck are there so many rats? Another thing, if we get trapped on this boat or whatever, what's to stop the civilians from just jumping on and killing us all? I mean, clearly there's a shit ton more of them than us. Sure, a lot of'em are girls and all that, but still. If there's ten girls and only one of me, I'm not liking the odds.

Day 35 (Continued)

So I just talked to the captain, and here's what he said "You ever seen a woman fight before?" I think for a good minute, cus I've seen lots of women before. "Well...no sir, I suppose I haven't." "And" the old captain with a burly beard continues, "Have you ever seen a woman do anything other than listen to their husband?" Again, I had to think real hard about this. "Well, I once saw an old lady back talk you, captain." The captains seethes with unnecessary contempt, "But she did what I says, didn't she?" This time I'm certain, "I suppose so." "So," the old man concludes, "women aren't like men. They don't know how to make decisions. If it weren't for us, they'd be drowning in their own stupidity. They need us to tell them what to do. So when we go raid a place, and kill all the men, their just waiting for instructions." This, of course, confused me, for my mom never seemed like a person to listen to no one, and neither did my sisters. But I conceded, for, the captain had never been wrong before, so why should he be wrong now?

Day 37

So I've been thinking about that whole "Women don't know anything scenario" and it's starting to make a whole lotta sense. I mean, if I were a girl, I sure as hell wouldn't let some strangers kill my man, my children, and then try to put his thing inside of my thing! No siree! I'd be having none of that! I'd kill the guy right then and there! Probably chop his thing right off. Bite it if I had to. So it all sorta makes since, I guess. I guess the women don't like their men so much, or rather, like the whole ransacking and raping and all that. And, if you think about it, if they like the raping, it's not really raping at all, I don't think. I mean, think about it. How can it be rape if they enjoy it?

Day 39

I asked the captain about that little theory I thought of the other day, and he loved it! Said it was the greatest thing he ever heard! His lady wasn't so enthused, but she ain't enthused by much of anything. I figure it a girl thing. I mean, mom never really seems to excited about cooking food or washing dishes, so I figure women in general just don't get excited, and this the captain quickly condemned. I guess he says I just don't understand yet, but I will soon, very soon. Our first raid is next week.

Day 41

Tomorrow's the first day! Finally! After years of training and suffering and dreaming, I'm finally ready! The whole crew is getting really excited, especially the guppies like me. That's what call the newcomers, guppies, I guess it has something to do with fish or whatever. I don't know, I'm not scientist. I just know I'm ready to pillage some serious shit!

Day 42 PR (Pre-Raid)

Today's the day! In just less than three hours, I'll finally participate in my first raid! I'll finally be a man! My dads going to be so proud! And the captain will to too! He says I got a whole lotta chipper, and he says that's just what you need for these kind of things! Maybe I'll be so good he'll turn me straight into a captain. Yea, that's what I'll do! I'll blow his socks right off and he'll have nothing left to do but turn me into a captain.

Day 42 PR (Post-Raid)

Well this fucking sucks! Don't get me wrong, I love being a man and all that but...seriously, that's it? That's what I've been waiting for for the last sixteen years? Fucking that? What the fuck? Do I look like an imbecile to you? First of all, the men didn't seem so happy about this whole raid thing, and tried to kill me! Kill me? Why would they do that? I'll I'm trying to do is chop their heads off and murder their children and fuck their wives! It's not like I'm taking their land or nothing! A whole bunch of drama queens! Then it was the children. The God fucking awful children. Running around like chickens with their heads chopped off! And that was before we chopped their heads off! Always crying for mommy and daddy and all that pussy shit? Who the fuck do they think they are? One even tried to shoot an arrow at me! A mother fucking girl, too! What...the...fuck?!?! And finally, this was the worst part, the women didn't seem to be into the whole rape thing at all! In fact, they really didn't seem much to care for it! Here I am trying to be soft and gentle and all that, real gentlemen like and all, and their trying to claw my eyes out! Like I'm the bad guy! It's not my fault their husbands couldn't fight worth a damn! I mean, if anything, they should be thanking me! For the first time in their lives, they were fucking a real man! But do I get any thank you's for all my good deeds? Not a single one! It's a goddamn scam! It is! I'm getting off at the next stop and not coming back!

Day 45

Captain convinces me to stay on for one more raid. But that's it! He says its on the way home, anyways, so I guess I better tag along. I don't wanna be that guy! Plus, what would my mates think? Throwing their life's on the line for this wonderful cause and me just sitting here like a pussy! I don't think so! Plus, doesn't it make it all the more manly if I don't like it? I'm pretty sure it does.

Day 49

Just another terrible, god awful raid! I didn't even try to rape the girls this time! It wasn't worth the effort. I did fuck this one girl, though. But she seemed to really want it. Moaning and shaking and all that. Who can blame her? She finally met a real guy. Someone who respects the profession and does what he's told, even when he doesn't totally agree. That's honor! That's duty! That's what being a man is all about!

Day 52

We finally made it home! Dads real proud of me, though he isn't so pleased about my opinions. He says I gotta go out for at least another year! A whole year! I don't think so. Moms still crying. Dad says she hasn't stop crying since I left! I think it's all a bunch of hub bub. Why would anyone be so stupid as to care for a silly little thing like me? I'm a nobody. A nothing. Who gives a shit what I do? Being a Viking sucks.