Okay, so it all started like this.

I was born in a small town by a small city in a small state in the middle of nowhere. My mother was a nobody and my father wasn't much more. My family had a history of failing but I wasn't about to be one of them. I had a legacy to fill. A reason to live. For the first time in ten generations, my family had something, and that something was me.

Now I'm not trying to brag or anything, I'm no know-it-all or anything like that, but I was different. Different how? It's hard to explain. But I'll try anyways.

I guess it's just that, well, I have a way with doing things. You know what I mean? Let me try this another way. Let's say you and I walk up to some random instrument, say, a bassoon. You start wailing away, clicking and screeching and trying to figure it out real nice like, while I just sit there, thinking. And when I'm done thinking, I start playing, and when I start playing, it sure is beautiful.

Now I'm no musician or nothing like that. It's just, well, like I said, I have a way with things. With a little thinking and a lot of reading, I can do almost anything, whether it's paint, calculus, or chemistry. You just give me the textbook and I'll be a master in no time.

I guess it's not that I'm really good at anything in particular, but rather I'm good at learning how to do things. You know what I mean? I mean, I'm not actually so good at anything, same as everyone else, at first at least. But then I just start to learn, and real quick too. I can't really explain how or why or anything like that. It just kind of comes to me, kind of like how a computer program comes to a computer.

Now I know what you all are thinking. If I'm so good at everything I do, why is my writing so hideous? Well, to be perfectly honest, that is not my matter of speaking. In fact, this too is not my way of speaking.

When the truth must be revealed, I will expose the true nature in which I speak. The slow, thoughtful drawl. The provocative, sensuous style. Even the very annunciation is annotated with constant deliberations. I have spoken in a manner which may be easily understood, and will continue to speak as such for the rest of the explanation. However, I have broken my etiquette so you may judiciously admire my true matter of proposing. It is to clarify my true mastery of all skills I so choose to partake. However, this condescending tonal articulation will add no value to my story nor your verdict, so I shall attend to my former way of speaking.

As I was saying, I was always good at learning the things that needed to be learnt. If that meant staying up all night and day and a couple days more than so be it. Whatever it took, I was gonna give. I guess that's what I really treasured. Not learning or anything like that, but ambition. Something my family never found any use for.

So I used that ambition to crush my opponents and obliterate all opposition. This lead to a fiercely competitive battle between my peers where I was always the winner. No matter the activity, I always won. Art, sports, academics, no difference to me. In each I was a winner for my parents never could. I was everything they wanted and everything they abhorred. I was them in an alternate universe where people actually cared and someone actually tried.

This only lead them further into the abyss of true maleficence. Of course I don't much blame them, how do you not become jealous of someone like me? I was perfect. I am perfect. I always will be. Of course, this particular instant does offer a grand challenge to me, one with which I have offered much effort. But I shall continue to stride in such a way that exemplifies my diligence to the cause. No matter what.

There I go again trying to get all fancy again. Sorry about that. I don't mean no confusion. I guess it's just when I get so riled up about something, I start speaking like your supposed to, ya know, with the big words and the fancy structures and all that good stuff. I just can't get it out of my head. It's the way I think, I suppose. But now I'm getting all thinkful when I should really be completely speakful, so let me continue.

Anyways, after completely annihilating all chances of friendships, I went out alone, a lone wolf, a loner, a batman without robin, a superman without whoever his sidekick was. The point is, when you're good at everything, no one much likes you, especially in high school. So I stuck to myself and my work an my total obliteration of anything that stood in my way.

This lead to numerous scholarships from hundreds of Universities. Everywhere from California to Boston. Stanford, Yale, Harvard, the whole nine yards. Even the big ten schools came barking up my tree once they found out how terribly good I was at lacrosse. But I gave that all up. The sports, that is. I didn't need no fancy scholarship to some school I never heard of just to get some old degree. No, I wasn't searching for none of that stuff. I wanted to learn.

So I did. Instead of inviting the lucrative college scholarships which could've lead to so much more, I went to Harvard, where my only scholarship was an academic one, and not even a very good one at that. Sure, I could've gone for free based on my parents income and all that, but that's not what I wanted. For some reason, it just felt like cheating, so I took on the monstrous student debt, and went about to become the youngest Doctor of Harvard (Ph.D., not MD).

So that's where we get to the real juicy part of the story, that is, the present. By this point, I'm twenty two, making a killing as a professor, consulting with the biggest firm in NYC, and basically rolling in the dough. So, from most perspectives, I'm pretty much killing it.

But I got bored.

I guess that's the real problem with wealth. It's not that money corrupts happiness or any dumb thing like that, because money's pretty awesome. Anyone who thinks otherwise is just trying to come up with a reason to why they aren't rich. The real reason: their losers. That's who the poor are, a bunch of losers.

Now I'm no conservative republican who thinks we should basically murder anyone who isn't a millionaire, but I do have a very odd view on the subject for a progressive democrat. The way I see it, going from nothing to everything, is the problem isn't the government. No amount of money is gonna make a poor man rich. Just look at past lottery winners. Millionaires over night. And what do they do with it? Spend it on a bunch of crap they don't want, they don't need, and sure as hell cant afford. Money comes to those who deserve it, and the lottery is just a cheap scam to keep the poor poor and the wealthy wealthy.

The way I see it, if you really wanna be happy, and make money and all that, do something. Stop sitting around watching tv all day and actually do something with your life. Did you know the average American watches five hours of television a day? A day?! Imagine how much greater the world would be if we just stopped watching television?!

But poor people don't wanna work for their money. They just want it to come to them on a flying Unicorn balancing a silver platter. Well they ain't gonna get nothing thinking like that. If you want something, you gotta work for it. And I mean really work for it. None of that dumb scam my stuff most people try to pull of. You gotta learn to learn, and then learn to act. Learn how to spend money and where, and that's how you go from dirt poor to filthy rich.

There I go getting off on a tangent again. God, I just can't seem to keep anything straight today. My writing is haphazardness and my tone is sporadic. I'm a real mess. But I guess that's a good thing. You can never be clean if you never were messy.

Well, I'm real messy now. Maybe a little too messy. This hole's getting deeper and I ain't getting any taller. I guess it's about time I tell you what happened. What really happened. Not what any of those dumb shits say. The truth. Reality. How it is.

So here's what happened on that fateful day in July.